So I know that a lot of you must be wondering who this ranting teenager is, what she stands for, and what she believes. Now I'd like to let you guys know a little bit more about me in that case.
Who am I? At the moment I am a high school sophomore. I live in Colorado. I'm considered to be pansexual, and even then I tend to lean more towards women rather than men. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I've attempted suicide many times in the past, and sometimes I continue to even though I realize that it's not what I want to have happen. I live in my best friend Chris' memory because when we were freshman, he was pushed over his limits and committed suicide. I've played the clarinet for five years, the guitar for three, piano for four, flute for about six months, and I also sing a little now and then. Last year for the winter guard season, I joined guard, and have been doing guard since. At the moment I'm working on practices for Peter Pan the musical every day, color guard rehearsals every Tuesday and Thursday, and I'll be getting back into dance three days a week starting next week.
What do I stand for? I stand for human rights weather it be for a man and woman, queer or straight, or black or white. Everyone was made to be an equal human in this big crazy world. Before I started looking into sexualities, I was considered to be a Christian, but since I've started some soul searching and am following my heart to see where I end up being lead. For years I was bullied, so anti-bullying is another thing I stand very high for. When a person calls someone else a name that's it's own special kind of mean.
What do I believe? Well I believe a lot of things, but at the same time I don't believe much. After years of abuse, I don't trust many people often anymore. No one really can understand the pain a heart feels until it's too late. I had to grow up quick and learn to believe in myself rather than in anyone else. Now as to what my personal beliefs are that don't include religion, well that's a lot more complicated. I believe things that others wouldn't begin to be able to understand. I believe that it's easier for our beliefs to be left unsaid that announced to the world.
Well now that I've explained a little bit about that, I'd love to go further in depth on one of these topics, but I don't know which one you guys would rather hear more about. Let me know in the comments.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
So every year around Christmas everyone makes these big plans to make the next year better. My New Years resolutions were mostly about recovery and getting better. I also decided that I wanted to spend more time doing what I love most through out the year. My top five plans were as follows: 1. Work on overcoming the anorexia that I've been fighting with for years. 2. Try to stop self-harming that I've dealt with since I was around ten years old. 3. To dance for at least thirty minutes a day to keep working on my skills. 4. To write for at least thirty minutes a day to better my writing as an author. 5. To stop watching so much TV. Today is the 4th of January and I have FAILED at 4 of the 5 goals. The only one I haven't failed at so far is number 2, and that's the one that I'm on the edge of failing at. Everyone decides to try their best and master all these wonderful and amazing goals that will NEVER work out. Some of those things that we resolve to do actually work, but most not so much. When I was in the 3rd grade I had set a goal to stop crying as much because that's when my mother's ex-husband had started abusing me and I couldn't take it. That was perhaps the only New Years resolution that I've ever had work out before. I try every year to follow through buy normally by the 5th or 6th day of the New Years I have failed. So what's the point of creating all these resolutions when they don't work often?